how to sleep with a female photojournalist

Resourceful tips for the sexually frustrated.

Everybody knows that the female percentage of photojournalists is only here to satisfy the caveman-esque needs of the male percentage in the field. Sadly, however, not all female photojournalists seem to have gotten this memo. Some tribal hunting might be required before your female colleagues will truly appreciate your advances and follow you into the semi-mandatory mating ritual. Oh, the stubborn woman of this age… 

Lucky for you, I have compiled a list of some useful, hands-on tips that should help you to get a move on and to finally get your hands on her!

Tip number one: Make inappropriate comments!

This tried and tested method has been proven to be worthy of its required efforts by many a man before you. Some pretty big names in the photography world are front runners in this field, often using their sexually tinted comments as a prelude for what’s to come: that which every female in the business is, naturally, waiting for.

Professional meetings and gatherings in particular seem to be a popular venue for this strategy, and phrases like “why don’t you show me your tits” and “I bet you like to be fucked in the ass” are surely not out of the ordinary.  

Try making your killer comment in front of as many colleagues as possible to immediately make your claim of this female before all the other hunters. Once you’ve successfully established your dominance in this manner, you can be certain that none of your male co-workers will dare to stand in your way. Everybody knows the number one hunting rule: the first one to make a rude remark has first dibs. 

Tip number two: Grope her in public!

Again, work-environments are much preferred for this technique, as they will show notably more effectiveness in numbing your target while you make your advances. A seemingly paralyzed female might take some getting used to at first, especially if you are new to this cat-and-mouse game, but it’s certainly worth it. A woman shocked and fearful is just so much less likely to swat hands away or - God forbid - call you out on your behaviour. Best to avoid any female too seasoned in the industry, as they might have begun to see through this particular method…

A true master in the act of groping (whose name we will not mention but who has been called out  here) might be known to most of the outside world as a renowned photojournalist. But, we all know that his real talent lies in getting his hands exactly where he - and only he - wants them. From stealing kisses from female colleagues to touching women’s vaginas in a room full of co-workers, this man has done it, and gotten away with it all. You’d almost wonder if his three World Press Photo awards should be changed out to Groper of the Century recognitions instead? Anyhow, a true inspiration and treasure to the industry indeed, we can all agree. 

Tip number three: Bribe her!

Every now and then we all come across a female that is just a tad more reluctant than others. She is the reserved, careful, and professional one that just never seems to let her guard down. Sexual comments and free groping might not be your best bet with this type of prey, as they can easily be alerted and scared off into flight (or worse, fight-) mode. 

This is where your power as a man in the industry comes in handy. Being a human with a penis, if your work is good (or at least okay) you have most probably been recognized for it by now. That title you’ve gained, that board member’s position, or editor in chief sign on your desk, that is your golden ticket into candyland. You are the gatekeeper, you call the shots!

So when a hot new freelancer knocks on your door looking for work, why not ask for a little extra favor along with the usual requirements? If she really cares about this assignment, she’d do anything (and I mean anything) to get it, right? And besides, nobody ever has to know, so her stuck-up reputation even gets to remain unscratched in the whole process. 

See? It’s not like you’re being inconsiderate, it’s just business, old-fashioned trade. An eye for an eye, a hand job for a job… It’s all just a question of currencies, hardly anyone could really tell the difference in the end.

 

Tip number four: Dangle your … in her face!

The bigger the better! Nobody can resist fame (yes, what did you think I meant?) of epic proportions, so if even the promises of work have not won her over yet, a promise of mentorship with a side of fancy connections might just do the trick. 

The impressive inventor of this foolproof trick would probably wish to remain anonymous (but you can read about some of his exemplary dangling here). For five years and counting he has been luring young female photojournalist into his trap with a carefully laid-out plan, being the following:

Step one: getting in touch with your prospect. If you share your work on social media and have gathered a large following, this basically means waiting for the meat to come crawling to you. Once a young and innocent prey reaches out, you casually partake in the conversation, critique their work ever so kindly, and wait for them to make the advances into step two: the meeting. 

It can be as casual as a coffee together “to discuss work”, so no need to shy away from public spaces. This technique is all about patience, after all! During the meeting, it is very important to keep things professional for as long as you can hold it up. Talk work, opportunities, mentorships, and introductions to all the right people before you mention your new project including nude photographs women… Hey, she’s not half-bad, wouldn’t she like to be in your next photoshoot? In fact, let’s do it as soon as possible - there’s many candidates on the line for that assistent job after all. How’s tonight? Maybe tomorrow? You’ll take all the photos yourself, so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Just get those tits out, and please don’t forget to shave girl!

Easy as that! This photographer of course does have the advantage of young female photographers already being interested in his work, being known for his work on Latin American teenage moms, but worry not - plenty of young girls own cameras, and they all have different interests. There is an eager prey out there for each and every one of you, whether your images contain dying elephants or soldiers faking their deaths (yes Robert, even you could have done it this way!).

 

Finally...

You’ve made it! If you’ve studied these tips carefully, have taken all possible traps into account, and aspire to follow into the footsteps of the great examples mentioned in this article, you have officially become a part of a serious problem. 

Only a very small percentage of (employed) photojournalists are women. Many feel unsafe in their work environment on a daily basis, and have had to withstand rude remarks, harassment, and unwanted sexual advances from male colleagues. As a woman in a male-dominated industry it is already hard enough to get your voice heard, and yet the biggest challenge seems to be not to get your ass groped. 

This is not okay.

And for all of those that I can hear singing along to the tune of “not all men”, sure: not all men behave like their genitals’ name sakes. But then why is it that this small percentage of men that does, always seems to have implicit permission to do as they please? As people - men and women - that do not wish to support this despicable behavior, it is as important to withhold from it as it is to speak up about and against it.

A blunt acceptance of harassment and a severe lack of support systems are the only things keeping this problem alive, in the photojournalism industry and beyond. Change is overdue.